omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
