my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
