I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
