Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
