I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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