Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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