You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
