The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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