You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
