My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
