last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
