My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
