i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
