Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
