we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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