we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
