Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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