I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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