The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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