Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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