wanna go halves on a baby?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
