you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
