My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
