Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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