ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
