The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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