Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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