the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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