so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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