people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
