I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
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I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.