he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.