so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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