help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
