Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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