Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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