My friends, they love my intelligence
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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