My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
