How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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