There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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