Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
