Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Boobs are out for the taking
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
3 2 1 whiskey
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
