she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
