Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
