I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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