take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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