Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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