dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
