Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
