just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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