She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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