I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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