i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
