How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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